I don’t know what I have done. I have invested a few years into a relationship and now I have let it go just because I got into an argument that I could not see my way out of without physically leaving it.
I want to spend a lot of time tearing my friend down, and at the same time I am hurting because I know that I should have found a way to handle things differently. I blame him for being defensive but isn’t that why I wouldn’t give in either.
It is made worse by the fact that…. well a lot of things. I had neglected a lot of other friendships to build this one. I lose out on a lot of other possible (and actual) friendships in leaving this one. This was my primary human source of accountability.
Now as I go forward I wonder how will I know that I can trust other people? How will I know that they can trust me not to harm them the same way? Should I just huddle hide and wait for someone to come make things better?
But I do still have friends. I have neglected them but even as I reach out I have received warm responses even though it has been a while. Maybe I can be loved. Maybe they are true friends. They have been there for me in some hard spots before, maybe it can happen again. Maybe I can be there for them too.
That is what I wanted in this whole mess: I want to be a friend I wanted to love and aid healing, but I did something wrong. I hope to learn. Maybe that brokenness can heal, but how do you resolve when two people think that each is attacking the other? This isn’t my most hopeful post, it’s my I can’t sleep at 3-4 am post because this is messing me up.
Please God help.